dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
