I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
