I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
