Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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