Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
