Umm I'm too high to move.
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
