note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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