Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
