Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
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