Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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