Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
