I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
it's like iHOP with fire
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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