so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
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