Screwed.edu
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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