Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
