Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
