I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize