I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
this hospital has no fireball
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
All I want is dick and wine.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
