battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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