No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
