So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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