i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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