All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Randomize
