After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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