I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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