my phone needs a breathalizer
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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