I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Randomize
