Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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