We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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