My sheets look like a crime scene.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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