Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I just gargled with NyQuil
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