if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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