i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
