i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
