can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
