I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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