i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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