Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
