i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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