I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
