I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
