Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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