Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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