Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
