bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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