My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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