what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
