you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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