I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
