i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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