What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize