This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
