Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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