when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
