shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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