That's intense
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
